Abusers, according to many experts in this field, learn this behavior as children and rarely change it. In fact, they very often continue the behavior after divorce and against just about anyone who will allow it without consequences or accountability, including their own children.
Divorcing this type of person brings eventual freedom from the fear and chaos, a double life and pain, but it should be done carefully.
Here are my suggestions, based on my own experience and the many years I've spent researching this horrible dynamic: (I use the male pronoun for the abuser, though I know that in about 5% of domestic abuse cases, the abuser is a woman.)
Stop all couples counseling immediately. It will not work and it will provide your abuser with valuable information he can use against you in the future. And do not tell him that you are considering a divorce. This is very important for your safety.
Seek immediately trauma treatment therapy, preferably with a licensed clinical social worker, trained in domestic abuse.
Next, you need to find a good, emphatic attorney willing to listen to the importance of bringing the domestic abuse history into the case. Do not use an attorney who tells you not to or that because of "No Fault" divorce, it isn't relevant.
Tell your family and friends, your employer and your church pastor, everyone, that you are the victim of domestic abuse at the hands of your spouse and that you will be leaving soon and may need their help. I understand why you have been leading a double life and keeping quiet the abuse your have been suffering. I also understand why you have tried to sweep it under the rug for the sake of the children and your own fantasy that it will get better. But, you must find the strength to do this. It is very important.
You may want to get a restraining order with the advice of your therapist, attorney and domestic abuse center. You need to think of this like dealing with a dangerous illnesses that requires a multi-disciplined approach. Don't just talk to an attorney, most don't understand abuse. But, you need to understand the legal aspects, too.
Divorcing this type of person brings eventual freedom from the fear and chaos, a double life and pain, but it should be done carefully.
Here are my suggestions, based on my own experience and the many years I've spent researching this horrible dynamic: (I use the male pronoun for the abuser, though I know that in about 5% of domestic abuse cases, the abuser is a woman.)
Stop all couples counseling immediately. It will not work and it will provide your abuser with valuable information he can use against you in the future. And do not tell him that you are considering a divorce. This is very important for your safety.
Seek immediately trauma treatment therapy, preferably with a licensed clinical social worker, trained in domestic abuse.
Next, you need to find a good, emphatic attorney willing to listen to the importance of bringing the domestic abuse history into the case. Do not use an attorney who tells you not to or that because of "No Fault" divorce, it isn't relevant.
Tell your family and friends, your employer and your church pastor, everyone, that you are the victim of domestic abuse at the hands of your spouse and that you will be leaving soon and may need their help. I understand why you have been leading a double life and keeping quiet the abuse your have been suffering. I also understand why you have tried to sweep it under the rug for the sake of the children and your own fantasy that it will get better. But, you must find the strength to do this. It is very important.
You may want to get a restraining order with the advice of your therapist, attorney and domestic abuse center. You need to think of this like dealing with a dangerous illnesses that requires a multi-disciplined approach. Don't just talk to an attorney, most don't understand abuse. But, you need to understand the legal aspects, too.
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